ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT

Tonight is one of those sleepless nights that I think only other mommas can relate to.

There might be a few dads out there that can relate, but it’s something about a momma’s sixth sense that kicks in on these nights.

Ever since our Gracie had her febrile seizure back in 2016, and I ended up having to perform CPR on her, we have never taken fevers lightly. So, this evening we ended up in urgent care because — HELLO — she had a fever that was spiking and NOTHING would bring it down.

When we left the house her fever was at 102.6° and by the time we got into our urgent care room her fever was at 102.4° — her fever being the only real indicator that something was clearly wrong. 

See, the only real first sign our girl is sick is when she gets super mommy clingy. I’m talking, “Mommy hold me,” for a solid 12 hours and then a fever will usually present itself. It’s pretty much been this way since her birth. However, going to the doctor because your child says, “Mommy hold me,” doesn’t really make a great case for him to work with.

Since she goes and goes all the time she doesn’t know how to pace herself when she’s not feeling well, her energy is the last thing to crash. Instead of resting and allowing her body to balance itself out, even after medicine is involved, we end up on this roller coaster of fevers breaking/spiking and energy/lethargic. So, when she plays the mommy card we know we’re hitting the “just make me better” mark.

Honestly, I have no idea what the post is all about. I’m having one of those nights after an evening at the doctor, getting prescriptions filled, being thrown up on (it’s true), bleh bleh bleh — it’s one of THOSE sleepless nights for this momma.

Maybe it’s from the seizure and CPR of 2016, but all I can do is watch her sleep. I kiss her sweet forehead every 10 minutes to check if the fever is spiking back up. I check her breathing to make sure she’s clearly surviving and I watch for her smile while she sleeps as affirmation of peaceful rest. Every few hours she is awoken by a cough, but I’m already comforting her as I put her back to sleep with a silent back scratch. 

Yeah — I’m sleepy. However, it won’t be like this forever. One day she won’t have me taking care of her and she will have her own children to take care of, but in this moment — she’s my baby girl.

She’s worth a million sleepless nights because Gracie Elizabeth is my tiny human miracle.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

A DESIRE FOR FAMILY

I don’t dream to live in a large mansion. My trials and life have given me a heart that yearns to always be humble. I want a tiny house filled with the huge hearts of my family. My daughter and husband are the two people that build me up when I’m at my lowest and strive to see me smile. My ambition is to be a disciple maker and in doing that I get to teach people how to treat their body as a beautiful temple. Health and fitness are not just a lifestyle, but an important factor in respecting the body God created just for you. 

Maybe I’m simple. Maybe I’m spiritual. Maybe I’m a health and fitness guru. No matter what I am perceived to be I am truly a child of God and that is all that matters — the ONLY mansion I desire is above in eternity.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted a family of my own. Yes, I have a family that I love without end. I love my father and mother far more than they will ever know. My desire to see them happy is out of this world and I know I don’t say it enough. However, my parents did divorce when I was very young. Since then I have yearned for a family of my own and prayed for a husband that I can relate to and connect with.

I say all of this with so much love and appreciation for parents that have to make the hard decision to separate. I know life happens and not all plans truly do pan out, but I pray everyday for the unconditional fervent love like Jesus has for His people. I pray everyday that I get to live that out.

I pray the example my husband and I set for our daughter is one that fulfills God’s ordained purpose. I pray that we see each other as the broken people we are, but find God’s masterPEACE through it all.

This is for the blended families just trying to make a way. Pray that God gives you that peace and comfort you need. God’s healing provides a stronghold that is beyond our control and I know God can work it all out for His greater good.

Keep persevering. Continue being faithful. His master plan will prevail and your family will reap the abundant rewards that our Father God has in store.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie 

DATE NIGHT CONVERSATIONS

Last Saturday night the husband and I went on a date. Nothing “fancy” because let’s be real — anytime this momma fixes her hair apart from church is considered FANCY. 

Any-who, I laughed and smiled more on that date than I think I have in years and I’ll tell you why. We were focused solely on each other!! We put technology away and made the choice to NOT be distracted. 

See, we played a game of questions. Some of the questions we asked each other were: what’s one thing you never had as a child, but wish you had? For me — absolutely a tree house. 

&& we asked...

Who is one person you would want to trade places with for one day? For him — he said me. 

I’m sharing this because I feel like many couples have lost how to keep conversations alive. I’m not saying ALL because I obviously do not know every situation. However, when you strive to keep that spark alive and ask the silly questions that once made you fall madly in love with your human — you’re trying.

Marriage is a choice that you have to make each day. We don’t have it all figured out and have our fair share of disagreements just like any other couple, but I never want us to give up trying. If this can give another couple a place to start a conversation in order to keep trying — there’s hope.

You don’t need “fancy” dates, fixed up hair, and a waiter to create a space or place for you and your spouse. Start at home and let your children see the example you set. Let them in on the love you share as husband and wife. There’s nothing like having a conversation with my husband and daughter. For her to see her father truly focused on her and her mother is EVERYTHING!!

Don’t just build on a firm foundation, but continually FORTIFY the relationship you build upon it.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

ACHIEVING THE IMPOSSIBLE

I know our achievements mean absolutely nothing when our time ends. What will last is the perseverance and passion by which we chose to live our lives. However, I cried twice this morning because I won’t be running Boston tomorrow. 

Have you ever achieved a goal that seems unattainable to most people — even yourself? Running the Boston Marathon was my “IMPOSSIBLE” dream and last year I achieved it. Tomorrow is Marathon Monday and I can’t help to feel like I should be crossing the start line in Hopkinton and finishing on Boylston, again.

Once, shortly after I gave birth to my daughter, I contemplated NEVER running again. I thought that my role was to be a mom, end of story. If you combine a few months of utter seclusion and non-diagnosed postpartum depression it will make a new mom brain go crazy. See, if I disobeyed God’s purpose for a role I would NEVER show my daughter an example of life lived by passion.

Running was once my way to run away from tragedies; hardships I’ve faced, deaths of siblings and loved ones. A healthy habit quickly became an unhealthy coping mechanism. I had to realize that I could run all day, but my pain would still be there. 

Running became the parallel to persevering through life and overcoming the tragedies for one finish line — eternity. Who I influence or impact along the way is within the purpose, I believe, God created for me. My pain will always have a greater purpose.

My heart is running, but I’m having to remember that what I considered “IMPOSSIBLE” was achieved in me. This challenges me. I share my journey, the tragedies and the highlights, because I know I’m not the only one. God’s mercy and grace is the ONLY reason I’m capable of doing ANYTHING and HIS STRENGTH is the ONLY way I can PERSEVERE.

I’m still breathing. There is still life coursing through my veins. He’s NOT done with me!!

Dear God, I’m ready to continue chasing “IMPOSSIBLE” dreams for your kingdom purpose.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie 

SHE CHANGED EVERYTHING

She doesn’t care about the medals I have from the marathons I’ve ran; not now at least. 

One day I’ll tell her all the stories of the adventures mommy took as a collegiate athletic training student & trainer, the journeys I’ve taken as an adult athlete, the stories of being a running and fitness coach, and the stages I stood on competing in fitness competitions. 

YET, those stories would mean nothing without the glory of God in them. Those adventures and journeys are worthless if the finish line for Christ is not where the eternal glory lies. 

One day, she will know my why and reasons and that day will be glorious to tell. 

The honor I strive to bring in stride and the praise to God I try to set an example of doing for her to learn from is what’s important. 

Until those days, I live in moments like this. I live for the moments of her gazing in my eyes and her tiny fingers learning my face — I never want to leave these moments. 

I see myself through my daughter’s eyes and the super powers I gain are beyond his world.

My girl. She changed everything.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

CHASING THE REAL REEL WHEEL

We’ve become so entranced with a facade of perfection that we, too, have stopped giving humanity a chance. Highlight reels have become hamster wheels and we’re chasing the impossible.

We’re no longer accepting of the bad days because we think they don’t coincide with the mountains we’re chasing. Don’t you realize the bad days are where strength is gained to climb the mountain?

Besides, you can’t remain on a mountain forever. Don’t you know that even volcanoes erupt when the stress is too much? Then, they take centuries to build up again — what makes you think that we are any different?

The process of preparation is no longer accepted by man because instant gratification isn’t fast enough anymore. What is enough if you aren’t satisfied even when you reach the mountain?

We have to get back to the raw reel of people instead of the highlight reel. Yet, it starts with yourself. Scars tell the tale of someone who is still standing after they’ve won the battle. Even soldiers have war stories and it’s in those stories where respect is gained.

You are a soldier in God’s army, tell your story, you never know who you will inspire to pick up their shield, pick up their sword and go to battle for the greater good.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

A MERE CIVILIAN

Reality.

In 2011 I ran the Marine Corps Marathon. That Marathon was my very first and one I will never forget. We started the race at the Arlington Cemetery and the moment of silence during the pre-race starting line-up was breathtaking. To think that all those crosses were people who died for me and for you. 

So, this morning I was running at a local gym and wore my Marine Corps Marathon in Training shirt. On the back of this shirt reads SEMPER FI. Do you know what that means? Semper Fi is the motto of the US Marine Corps and means ALWAYS FAITHFUL. I find that to be fitting and absolutely beautiful. 

Faith is trusting what you do now know, but our Marine Corps continues on despite those unknowns. They would choose to die for a nation of people they do not know and protect at even the ultimate cost.

As I am running I feel a tap on my left shoulder and see a fairly muscular man standing behind me as he is leaving the gym. He intently sticks out his hand for a handshake and as return the gesture we firmly shake hands as he says, “SEMPER FI!” I’ve never felt so in awe and inadequate all at the same time. 

I quickly correct the misunderstanding and explain the truth behind my shirt. I tell him that I had a brother who signed up for the Marine Corps when he was of age and he tells me that he served for four years. I deeply thank him for his service and part ways. To tell you I was a blubbering mess is an understatement.

It’s been six years since I ran that race and I have worn this shirt countless times. Today was the first time that I have ever been approached in this way and it really convicted my heart. How many times do we pass by people around us and don’t acknowledge them? How many times do we pass by civilians who were once soldiers, but we don’t thank them?

Here I am — A MERE CIVILIAN — being thanked for serving a country I never served!! To say I feel inadequate is only scratching the surface, but I feel it gave me a renewed perspective on the appreciation deserved to our men and women whom have and do serve. Soldiers are some of the most humble human beings I know and they deserve respect. This leads me to one more point.

RESPECT!! We say all the time that respect is earned not given. Sorry, not sorry, if I step on toes, but our military undoubtedly deserves our respect. 

A few weeks ago, when I was getting my running coach certification, the man teaching the course asked me a question. Mind you that this man ran in the Olympic Trials back in the ‘90s so, he was already in higher standing in my eyes. Any-who, he asked me if I had served in the military. 

I told him no, but again spoke of my brother and about the short time I was a “military kid” — that’s a different story. The point of bringing this up was to affirm how the lives we lead as adults are highly navigated by influence imparted to us as children. See, he and I were having a conversation and I kept calling him “Sir.” 

First off, I’m originally from Texas and being that I am a southern woman m’am and sir and two of the first words you learn as a child. I’m currently reminding my two-year-old daily of this and it’s not the most easy task. However, this is a form of spoken respect I will go to my grave saying. 

My question, why is it that the assumption was made I was in the military because of my spoken respect? I see two lessons to be taken away from these scenarios that I hope to forever know and impart on my own daughter, discipline and respect.

Understand that I’m not talking about discipline in the sense of scolding a child or punishing someone for their misconduct. I’m talking about discipline in the sense of humbled humility, that you see your imperfections and take the necessary steps to be a “better” human. I use the word “better” loosely because we all have different views on the meaning and that’s NOT the point of this particular post. 

Waking up EARLY to perform exercises or work duties toward my self-development is not always fun. Discipline is one of the qualities I see in most men and women who have or do serve our country. Sometimes I feel inadequate and unworthy of being better, but by doing so I impart that quality on my daughter. As she gets older I pray she will see that discipline is not saying, “You are bad.” I see discipline as a way of saying, “You have potential and can be better.”  Besides, our nation and world need better.

Lastly, RESPECT. Respect is something taught and learned. We must cultivate respect in every generation, today and tomorrow. Respect is the when we acknowledge someone for committing to lay down their life for a nation of people they do not know — yet they believe in. Respect is saying, “Yes m’am. No m’am. Yes sir. No sir.” Respect is being slow to anger and humbling yourself. Respect is listening when another needs to be heard. My opinion, respect is given EVEN when we feel it has not been earned because you never know how the DISCIPLINE of showing respect will influence someone else’s life, for the better.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

**Soldier:

To the known soldier and the unknown soldier, thank you. Thank you for your commitment to our nation. Thank you for protecting not just my own future, but the future of my daughter that has yet to be seen. Thank you for saying no to selfish pride, for your humbleness, your discipline and respect. You are the true heroes, may it never be forgotten. For many have paid the ultimate price that words will never console, but may your life spent always be honored. 

Thank you, soldier.

I YELLED AT MY DAUGHTER

"SSSTTTOOOPPP!!"

Today, I “raised my voice” when speaking to my daughter.

Okay. You're right, that's a lie. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck — it’s probably a duck.

I yelled at my daughter.

Don’t even start to tell me you’ve NEVER lost your cool. Look, there’s only one Mrs. Duggar out there and I bet before the double digits of kids she had her fair share of “moments” — however I honestly have NO IDEA!! (This is purely speculation for I have never met any of the Duggars.)

As for me, I’m flying by the seat of my pants half the time and the other half I’m looking for my pants. That's another story...

Anywho, today had good parts and emotional parts. I avoided going to the store because — well — I’ve already told y’all how those temperamental days turn out if I try to venture into the adult world, chaos & scenes ensue and any amount of praying I do is for me to not have an emotional breakdown in public.

My daughter is seriously one of the most loving and compassionate people I know, but she reminds me of fireworks. Even though they’re beautiful you can’t have them without the crack and pop. Gracie Elizabeth is definitely a firecracker!! 

After having a rough moment before laying down for bedtime I calmed us both down, (I started having us close our eyes and count to 10 together as one of our coping strategies — it’s really been doing us both a lot of good). This has been good when we're at home and anxiety gets the better of both of us. She is usually crying and I am usually crying when things like this happen, but by the time it is over we in a much better mood. I have a positive outlook that this will work in our public outings, I'll keep you posted.

Back to the whole going to bed thing. As we got she go into bed I told her, “Mommy needs to go brush her teeth." Yes, before you ask my daughter does sleep with my husband and I, still. Obviously we are a complete work in progress on the parenting end, but sometimes it's about what works for you. Parenting books DO NOT give you a perfect formula and if you find that they do work for you I'd bet you a pretty penny that you are one of the lucky ones. EMBRACE THAT!!

Oh yeah, bedtime. So, while laying in the bed she just smiled and nodded her head okay, I went straight into the bathroom. I could her rustling around and getting comfortable in bed. I came through the doorway and stopped dead in my tracks...

I was watching her as if she were a new-born babe all over again. I felt so much guilt for the yelling match of the day and was overcome with so much love. My daughter is the greatest blessing I have ever received and she is the epitome of all the love I have for my husband and Jesus. As she grows, I grow and as she learns, I learn. Patience is a virtue, but it's not my greatest trait and everyday she brings out the patience I hold deep within -- this really is a good thing. The gives me grace in a world of bitterness and reminds me of what loving unconditionally truly means.

As the years pass by I hope that one day she will look back and see this, read this and know that mommy tried the best she could.

Being a mom is literally living by faith and in that I HAVE to walk by God's guiding light -- every single day.

Don't give up my daughter, you are perfectly imperfect -- I can guide you through. AMEN!!

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

MOTHERHOOD REJECTION

This should be good. 

I guess.

People always say that motherhood puts you into some club that will forever change you. You will be surrounded by other women who understand how you feel as a mom and that you can rely on. Motherhood is a judgement free zone of constantly being acceptanced by others that know exactly how you feel.

In my short experience of motherhood has been NONE OF THAT.

Go ahead and throw stones, other moms do it all the time.

Let me take a short walk down memory lane. I remember elementary school and constantly praying for time to speed up. I was always made fun of for being too shy and too smart, (being a nerd was not the “cool” thing during my school yard days). 

What’s my point?

I know what it’s like to be rejected by others and feel alone in a room full of people. Not in all ways, but in many instances motherhood is the same scenario. When you walk into a room, (let’s say a classroom for a school party since it pairs with school days), of moms they are instantly eyeing one another. 

You have one mother who is looking at another in disgust because she obviously hadn’t slept in MONTHS. She can’t speak to the sleep deprived mom because she can’t be seen speaking to her; she has appearances to keep up. I mean come on — who walks out of their house looking like that; as if. 

Another mom is trying to hold herself together without having a nervous breakdown because she is a single mom. At home she has three children to take care of and just wants to put food on the table without choosing which meals she will do without for the sake of her children. However, she has no one to talk to, no one to confide in and no one to lean on because she would rather hold in the pain than burden someone else. She’s been pushed away more times than she can count and has given up on finding a friend.

There’s probably a mom in the back corner hiding because she’s trying to ignore the fact that her child, the one who is flailing around causing disruption to the class, is actually hers. She’s lost hope of getting control back and has absolutely no one to talk to. No mom wants to be seen with her, who lets their child act like that and does nothing about it.

Of course you have a mom that is boisterous, loud, everyone’s “best-friend” and heaven sent from above. Don’t get me wrong, this mom is doing a REALLY good job of holding everything together. She takes charge during all school functions, arrives on time and perfectly presentable. She even has the figure to flaunt and the smile that radiates a room. Yet, deep inside she may have the pain of a failing marriage that no one is allowed to see because that would mean there is a “flaw” in her picture perfect life. People dismiss her because they feel unworthy and she’s gasping for air in an oxygen filled room.

Maybe, there’s also the mom who is strong and courageous. She has a marriage that is set on fire by a love anyone would kill for and living “the dream” of being a mom and fulfilling all the dreams her heart could ever fathom. She’s overcome life with a vengeance, but there’s something inside her that no one sees. She probably holds onto years of childhood pain from verbal abuse and tragedy that no one should endure. She sabotages the relationships in her life and is on a tail spin of worrying herself to death. She’s alone in a crowded room and wanting to scream, but smiles because it’s easier than telling the truth. She doesn’t need a friend because of course other moms see her as strong enough on her own.

Along with all this each and everyone one of these women have their children as their main priority. All they want to do is give the best for their kids, but don’t want to speak to someone else because judgement.

In the world, it’s judge or be judged. The cruelty of mankind has betrayed its own kind by the need of the world’s approval and it has warped our minds. It started on the school yard and the vicious cycle of Red Rover, Red Rover has continued into the mom world. We keep passing around who should be picked last when we should all be begging to pick one another first. 

I don’t have the perfect answer, but I know that I’m tired of the hiding. I’m tired of being blown off and I’m tired of passing by others who’s heads hang low their loss of hope in being seen.

First, we have to start by accepting each other as we are, the worst and best parts. Second, we have to believe that there is hope and that we can help one another in all circumstances. Lastly, we have to make a choice to speak up, reach out and hold onto one another for dear life. 

Motherhood should be a tribe that strengthens us instead of severing us. As mothers we share a bond that ties us together that we have become too accustomed to breaking. Motherhood should be beautiful and we need to pick up the pieces and create the masterPEACE God intended for us to find in Him through uniting.

Moms — we aren’t loving each other hard enough and our children will end up bearing that burden. Bear the burden of a fellow mom not just for their sanity, but the hope of unity in the futures of our children.

I’m NOT perfect!! I screw up, mess up and guess up, YES — guess up, just as much as any other mother. So, I guess what I’m saying is to find your tribe and love them hard.

I’ll keep trying. I hope you do, too.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

DEAR NON-MOM FRIENDS

If you are a mom I would bet that you can totally relate to what you are about to read and if you can’t relate, then, I’m a little jealous of you.

Dear Non-Mom Friends,

Let me start by saying this is not inclusive to ALL of my non-mom friends. I want to say that this is not a letter of excuses. Yes, it will seem that way because you’ve felt that I have been making excuses since the birth of my daughter. However, it’s not excuses, but a change in my priorities. It is actually a complete shift of life!!

I’m sorry I don’t return texts and calls pretty much EVER. In the beginning I was trying to navigate breast-feeding (which was a complete failure). I was trying to navigate being a mom, catching up on sleep (that two years later I have yet to do). I was learning how to take care of another human being, I was figuring out how to shower more than twice a week (on a good week). I was cleaning up diapers that the word explosion doesn’t even describe and attempting to remember me time (let’s be real I gave up on me when I became a mom). 

Around the time my daughter turned six-months-old I began receiving calls and texts of how I was a “bad” friend. I received messages on how I was a selfish person for not making time for others. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? I birthed a human!! My priority was my daughter and instead of being asked how I was doing I was getting lectures on how-to-be a good friend. 

Next.

Doctors tell you about postpartum depression, but they don’t prepare you for it. It’s hinted on in doctor’s appointments, but that’s about it. Postpartum depression is so much bigger than five minutes of conversation. It attacks when you feel things should be getting into a normal rhythm and develops as anxiety, too. I had postpartum depression kick in at about four months and my husband was the one to finally do something about it a few months later. I developed anxiety that escalated to fear of even walking out of the house to check the mailbox. Once, I didn't leave my house for TWO solid months and while the walls were closing in, the outside world seemed scarier.

Along with that I had separation anxiety from my child. Yes, I DEVELOPED SEPARATION ANXIETY FROM HER!! You can’t explain this fearful anxiety to anyone. All you know is that the paranoia comes and you even become afraid of leaving your child alone in a crib just to take a shower. I would cry in my doorway just watching her sleep from the weighing guilt of “leaving” her to take a shower!! 

Seems silly, right? 

Yeah — it’s not so silly when you’re in the middle of it.

It’s not so silly when friends and family are bashing you for your “selfish” attitude when all the while you’re just trying to navigate motherhood — among the other mounting stresses of this thing called life. However, NOT ONCE are moms that go through this asked, “How are you?” 

We get asked during all of our pregnancy, but when the real stress comes there is no one to be found. CUTE BABY!! GOOD LUCK!!

Fast forward to present day.

I know I’m skipping a lot of middle info, but that’s for another day. My separation anxiety is a million times better and everyday is less of a struggle to turn the car key and shift into drive. Listen, I’m not negative Nancy and truly am happy, but life gets even the best of us at times.

I’ve accepted that life will never be as it once was when it comes to friendships and even family ties. Some say I’m not a “normal” mom and the fact I’ve become a stay-at-home mom makes some people turn their noses towards me. 

I digress from here because that’s a topic for a later date. The fact of the matter is that when you become a mom life itself changes, COMPLETELY. It’s not just the cute addition of your child, but the mental stress of the how-to-dos, the hormonal changes that no amount of doctor’s appointments will ever fully fix or explain, the physical hang-ups of losing baby weight or even gaining more and every unknown that I myself am still trying to understand.

Non-mom friends, when your mom friends say that it’s not you it’s me — WE MEAN IT!! We know you don’t understand, but we want you to. At the same time we don’t want to hinder your life and all the memories you are making. Of course we still want to know about the advances of your careers and we want to be there for the big moments in your life. However, as moms, we also understand that seasons change and as we change, so do you.

A friend of mine, who is a mother of two children, once said,  “Honestly Katie, if Gracie would have been my first she would have been my last.” 

My daughter is strong-willed, smart, witty, intelligent, observant, discerning and only two months into being two-years-old. I love my daughter more than anything and would take a bullet for her. I also know that my daughter has the determination and strong-willed nature of, well, her mother.

Some of my best characteristics can at times be my worst and I see that in my child, too. We work together on our negatives and embrace our independent attitudes. You see, I may only have one child, but even a mom of two would rather the attitudes of her TWO over my ONE. Life is different, priorities are different, the dynamics are not the same and I embrace that every day.

So — as I said earlier this is to my non-mom friends (some not all) and I think of you often. Those I don’t see anymore, I miss you every day, but as life changes and we adapt I pray you’re adapting well. 

My number is the same if you ever need me. Please don’t be upset if I don’t answer right away.

Mom life is NOT my excuse, it is my reason and Gracie is the testimony of that.

Imperfectly Yours,
Katie

YOUR INSPIRING LOSS

Did it ever occur to you that maybe your trial is someone else's hope? 

Here's my thought: God already knows how strong you are and knows that you can endure the trials. God has entrusted YOU with the tough stuff because He knows YOU are capable of praising Him in the storm. (That's pretty amazing if you ask me -- for God to trust us with the enemy's worst for His best.) BUT maybe there's someone else that needs hope. They need that inspiration from YOU to see or hear of when you got knocked down and got back up. 

Maybe the loss and heartache you've endured is a needed example for someone else's life changing transformation.

I’ve made a blog post about my story before, but I’ve never quite embraced it from a visual or vocal interpretation. In order to help others we have to voice our struggles and how we choose to overcome.

Here I am — vulnerable & hopeful. 

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

DRIVEN BY comPASSION

"How do athletes describe you as a coach?"

Our instructor asked us this as I sat in my RRCA training class a few weeks ago. However, I instantly found this a tad amusing because I have heard a number of lines that go a little like this:

"Katie is like a sour patch kid -- she seems nice and then turns slightly evil."

I laugh at this because the women that I train know that I am far from mean or evil -- I just like to give tough love when I train others. People do not pay me to let them slack off during a workout, otherwise they would be completely comfortable training themselves and not seeking the guidance of a coach or trainer.

Yet, I wrote down on my paper one word that I know is always used and that I strive to live by every single day. The word that is usually used to describe me is PASSIONATE and I can't deny the fact I am most certainly driven by PASSION.

So, why am I bringing this up?

Yesterday, my pastor preached on being a compassionate person. My pastor posted to Facebook a few weeks ago or so asking for feedback about this exact topic and here was my response:

One of my constant prayers: “Father God, break my heart for what breaks yours.” Through the answer I’m always filled with compassion and an unexplainable yearning to continuously strive to do more.

On a personal note, I have to prepare myself beforehand and PRAY because when God orchestrates how to show me that brokenness it is usually in the middle of the future MESS•age & TEST•imony to come.

By compassion I’m able to give grace and forgiveness to others. We could all use more of that.

More times than not compassion is found when you discover what breaks your heart. Sounds pretty counter-intuitive, but if you aren't moved to tears by your passion then maybe your not emotionally invested in what you are trying to achieve. If you are emotionally absent from your passion -- how can you walk in compassion? One of the characteristics of a compassionate person is that they inspire through passion.

That is what I try to do and that is what my goal is in life -- to inspire others through my passion.

I pray that PASSIONATE is always used when I'm described as a coach, trainer or anything else in this life. Even in the moments of tough love towards those I love and care for -- I am always driven by my PASSION for their betterment. PASSION is comPASSION and Christ was the purest form of PASSION.

Ask yourself this, do you like the words that come to mind when people describe the type of person you are? If not maybe it's time to reevaluate where you are right now in life and how you want to be remembered.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

BRAVE. STRONG. BROKEN.

January of this year I found myself in a very vulnerable state of emotion. I was walking into a season of life that I did not even know about yet and I was at a breaking point. I was “brave” from past circumstances I had overcome, “strong” because of how I had handled them, yet still so broken because I had never dealt with how it affected me. Have you ever been there — brave, strong and broken?

Everyone has to face a struggle at some point in life. We all have to go through trying times, but does it ever end? Sometime toward the end of August, last month, I was sharing my story with a client of mine and she asked me, “Katie, do you ever think it will end?”

“What do you mean?”

Client: “The struggles and hard times that you face. You’re 27-years-old and you have faced more than most twice your age. Do you ever think it will end?”

(I paused.) I was thinking of what to say and how to say it. Part of me wanted to scream, “YES OF COURSE,” as loud as I could. However, I knew that wasn’t the answer I needed to give.

“Honestly, no.”

(My client’s demeanor changed and confusion took over.)

“You know something that I have learned throughout trial and hardship in life — it never stops. When I am taking the road I feel I am meant to take that’s when hardship strikes. It happens when I’m doing what I should be doing and it comes at me in the most vulnerable ways.”

(Her face softened as what I had just said was sinking in.)

“We face trial no matter what path we take, but even on the right path we are attacked in some of the worst ways. I don’t have all the answers and I do NOT  know how everything will turn out, but my faith gives me comfort. I’ve learned that if you don’t face resistance, then it’s probably not God and through that I know that even in the trials I am blessed — we are blessed.”

(Her teary-eyed smile will remain with me forever.)

I believe that in our weakness God is capable of being made stronger and the greatest trials are given to God’s greatest warriors. God knows our potential and He knows that we can’t overcome it alone, but with Him we can.[1] That’s the thing about God’s power, it only rises up and is used if we ask for His help.[2] Surrender is hard for everyone, but it is also the greatest love you can show to THE BIG MAN upstairs.[3] God can’t become stronger if you don’t call on Him and walk by faith. I know that it’s one thing to say it, but you have to PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH at the same time.[4]

My greatest pain has become my greatest purpose and for me to give up on my purpose because it is too hard would be a disservice to others and disrespectful to God. I’m not perfect and I sin just like everyone else sins, we don’t all sin the same way, but to Him it’s all the same.[5] I ask for forgiveness daily, not just out of the need to — but the want to be honorable.

As long as I live I know that the trials I face will not only keep coming at me, but they will become more difficult and will become harder. Yet, God has proven His faithfulness because in my past weakness when I was at my lowest I called on God and He answered.[6] The answer isn’t what we always want to hear, it rarely is, but I know I have to be obedient. Being obedient and walking my faith creates a boldness inside to arise and do what you’ve been called to do.[7]

I may be broken, but I’ve been made stronger and — made BRAVE.

My question for you is this — are you a WARRIOR or are you AWOL? I don’t judge people and won’t judge your answer — that’s for the one in charge and always watching.

Imperfectly Yours,
Katie

 [1]2 Corinthians 12:19 – But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

[2]Matthew 7:7 – Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

[3]James 4:7 – Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

[4]James 2:26 – As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

[5]James 2:10 – For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.

[6]Jeremiah 33:3 – Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

[7]Deuteronomy 5:33 – Walk in obedience to all that the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess.

A HEAVY BURDEN

Some burdens that we carry are heavier than others. The light at the end of the tunnel seems obsolete when the journey becomes difficult. However, God sees all and He knows the potential we have within to accomplish all that He has in store for us. When we feel like giving up God can restore us. When the burden is heavy it means we will only be stronger on the other side of the journey.

I would rather carry a burden than carry guilt.

Not by our will, but by His strength we can get through. May we pray for His strength, especially when the road seems impassible and impossible. With God, all things are possible.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

THIRTY MILES LATER

This past Tuesday was my 27th birthday and I said I would run 28 miles. Well, I ACTUALLY ran 30 MILES!! I told my husband that something was terribly wrong with me because I felt too good to have accomplished what I did.

It amazes me how we underestimate what we can do. How we doubt our capabilities and set our own limitations. Do you do it too? I know I do!! However, we shouldn't. We should truly be fearless and go after anything and everything we've ever dreamed of!!

This video I've attached was with my daughter during my "run" and her tiring out. No, I didn't get to run very long. No, I wasn't out there training hours on end. BUT, that little girl you see -- that's my Gracie, my reason, my world. At the end of the day if I'm not proud of the example I set for her, if I'm not happy with the example of fearlessness and determination I lead for her -- is any of it even worth it? NO!!!

So, are you setting the example you have want your children to be proud of, your brothers or sisters, your nieces or nephews, your parents? Are YOU setting the example for them to look to and are you proud of it?!? If not, it's never too late or too early to change for the better and take a stand for yours and their best!! Even if the world shuns you, I'll stand with you.

Take a Stand!! Be Fearless!!

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

PARENTING IS OVERWHELMING

It’s time I cut the crap. You know, this whole raw and real thing only works if you are RAW and REAL. So – this morning as I pull on my running tights, put on the running shirt with hat to match and lace up my running shoes…my brain is literally telling me I am the worst mother on the face of the earth.

Is it self-pity? Self-remorse?

HECK NO! You see, tragic experiences as a parent leave a lasting impact.

Why?

BECAUSE PARENTING IS OVERWHELMING!!

Seeing your child struggle for air. Seeing your child lifeless. Seeing your child helpless causes a parent to somewhere, deep down inside, question themselves. WHAT? You want the happy go lucky stay strong in every storm post? Well, to get to that point rough waters must be ridden and “self-pity” must be overcome. Letting go of the worst mother label you put on YOURSELF, must be dealt with.

Let me put your mind at ease because I am in no way ever going to say I know what it is like to lose a child because I never have. I have lost siblings and family members, but never have I ever fully lost my daughter. Not even 4 months ago, I breathed life back into my daughter’s lungs. I only wish and pray that every parent that had to give their child CPR had a happy story at the end. My heart is burdened for those parents each day and I will always remind my daughter how overwhelmingly blessed she is that she gets to breathe in a new breath of life daily; as we are all so lucky that are reading this.

But right now, in this moment as I clothe myself to go outside and run I feel unworthy. When my daughter gets sick she goes all out. She takes it as far as she can go before hitting that breaking point. Right now, she has not one, but TWO strains of the flu virus coursing through her, a painful urinary tract infection, pink eye and an ear infection in her left ear. God bless my husband and his loving words, “Babe go run I will watch her. You need to get away for just a little bit.”

My female mother brain: What?!? You want me to leave and make it look as if I do not care about our daughter? Why should I put myself first?!? She is sick and running isn’t going to help her. Running will not take the pain away. Running will not heal her. Running will not add years or quality to her life!!

Before my words are spoken my husband says, “You are an amazing mother and Gracie will be here when you are done. Go do your fearless superwoman things.”

My husband.

My rock.

My clarity.

So yeah. My baby girl is extremely sick and I’m about to go out for a long run. Not because I do not care. HEAVENS NO! It’s because I want my baby girl to be fearless in all circumstances, especially the scary ones. That is the whole point of why I am running the Boston Marathon!! On my long runs, I pray, A LOT. I pray about anything and everything I could possibly fathom and today I’ll be praying and pleading God’s healing over my daughter and every other child that is sick and every parent that prays for one more moment with their little ones.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I promised you real and raw. I pray you hear my sincerity && the steadfast love I have for my daughter. In the overwhelming moments, she always gives me peace and a reason to be fearless. 

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

1AM WHISPERS

OVERWHELMED. 

UNQUALIFIED.

UNWORTHY.

JUST GIVE UP!

Yeah. Those my 1 am whispers that keep me up at night.
Those are the monsters that I wish would just go back and lay under my bed instead of in my head.

Yeah. I hate those 1 am whispers.

Those whispers that tell you that you can't do it. Those whispers that say," You don't know anyone generous enough. No one really thinks you can accomplish this goal anyway so why keep kidding yourself?!?"

Yeah. I hear them too. I hear them in the moments when I am tired and exhausted. I hear them when I am at my weakest and even at my strongest.

However. There is a choice to be made at around 1:02 am when all you want to do is scream at the voice in your head telling you that you aren't good enough!!

You rebuke those voices and tell them to go back to the pits of hell that they came from because you are going to step out!! You are about to do something that God has qualified within you!! You are about to do something that God has chosen to make you worthy of and that He has placed inside of you with a burning passion of desire.

Hebrews 12:1 mandates this, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." He says not just to run the race, but to ENDURE the race. To endure proves that trials will come during the journey and hardships will attempt to trip you up, but that does not mean you are to succumb to the world -- to the whispers.

When all is said and done I want to be able to stand before God on my judgement day and say with humbled confidence, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith," said in 2 Timothy 4:7. I don't want to just to finish the race, but keep the faith in finishing!

Yeah. While I sit here at 1:10 am and rebuke the voices, I will choose to arise for His kingdom, for His glory and for His honor. Today, tomorrow and always.

Claim that which God has put within you and make it your goal for this world.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie