I YELLED AT MY DAUGHTER

"SSSTTTOOOPPP!!"

Today, I “raised my voice” when speaking to my daughter.

Okay. You're right, that's a lie. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck — it’s probably a duck.

I yelled at my daughter.

Don’t even start to tell me you’ve NEVER lost your cool. Look, there’s only one Mrs. Duggar out there and I bet before the double digits of kids she had her fair share of “moments” — however I honestly have NO IDEA!! (This is purely speculation for I have never met any of the Duggars.)

As for me, I’m flying by the seat of my pants half the time and the other half I’m looking for my pants. That's another story...

Anywho, today had good parts and emotional parts. I avoided going to the store because — well — I’ve already told y’all how those temperamental days turn out if I try to venture into the adult world, chaos & scenes ensue and any amount of praying I do is for me to not have an emotional breakdown in public.

My daughter is seriously one of the most loving and compassionate people I know, but she reminds me of fireworks. Even though they’re beautiful you can’t have them without the crack and pop. Gracie Elizabeth is definitely a firecracker!! 

After having a rough moment before laying down for bedtime I calmed us both down, (I started having us close our eyes and count to 10 together as one of our coping strategies — it’s really been doing us both a lot of good). This has been good when we're at home and anxiety gets the better of both of us. She is usually crying and I am usually crying when things like this happen, but by the time it is over we in a much better mood. I have a positive outlook that this will work in our public outings, I'll keep you posted.

Back to the whole going to bed thing. As we got she go into bed I told her, “Mommy needs to go brush her teeth." Yes, before you ask my daughter does sleep with my husband and I, still. Obviously we are a complete work in progress on the parenting end, but sometimes it's about what works for you. Parenting books DO NOT give you a perfect formula and if you find that they do work for you I'd bet you a pretty penny that you are one of the lucky ones. EMBRACE THAT!!

Oh yeah, bedtime. So, while laying in the bed she just smiled and nodded her head okay, I went straight into the bathroom. I could her rustling around and getting comfortable in bed. I came through the doorway and stopped dead in my tracks...

I was watching her as if she were a new-born babe all over again. I felt so much guilt for the yelling match of the day and was overcome with so much love. My daughter is the greatest blessing I have ever received and she is the epitome of all the love I have for my husband and Jesus. As she grows, I grow and as she learns, I learn. Patience is a virtue, but it's not my greatest trait and everyday she brings out the patience I hold deep within -- this really is a good thing. The gives me grace in a world of bitterness and reminds me of what loving unconditionally truly means.

As the years pass by I hope that one day she will look back and see this, read this and know that mommy tried the best she could.

Being a mom is literally living by faith and in that I HAVE to walk by God's guiding light -- every single day.

Don't give up my daughter, you are perfectly imperfect -- I can guide you through. AMEN!!

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

MOTHERHOOD REJECTION

This should be good. 

I guess.

People always say that motherhood puts you into some club that will forever change you. You will be surrounded by other women who understand how you feel as a mom and that you can rely on. Motherhood is a judgement free zone of constantly being acceptanced by others that know exactly how you feel.

In my short experience of motherhood has been NONE OF THAT.

Go ahead and throw stones, other moms do it all the time.

Let me take a short walk down memory lane. I remember elementary school and constantly praying for time to speed up. I was always made fun of for being too shy and too smart, (being a nerd was not the “cool” thing during my school yard days). 

What’s my point?

I know what it’s like to be rejected by others and feel alone in a room full of people. Not in all ways, but in many instances motherhood is the same scenario. When you walk into a room, (let’s say a classroom for a school party since it pairs with school days), of moms they are instantly eyeing one another. 

You have one mother who is looking at another in disgust because she obviously hadn’t slept in MONTHS. She can’t speak to the sleep deprived mom because she can’t be seen speaking to her; she has appearances to keep up. I mean come on — who walks out of their house looking like that; as if. 

Another mom is trying to hold herself together without having a nervous breakdown because she is a single mom. At home she has three children to take care of and just wants to put food on the table without choosing which meals she will do without for the sake of her children. However, she has no one to talk to, no one to confide in and no one to lean on because she would rather hold in the pain than burden someone else. She’s been pushed away more times than she can count and has given up on finding a friend.

There’s probably a mom in the back corner hiding because she’s trying to ignore the fact that her child, the one who is flailing around causing disruption to the class, is actually hers. She’s lost hope of getting control back and has absolutely no one to talk to. No mom wants to be seen with her, who lets their child act like that and does nothing about it.

Of course you have a mom that is boisterous, loud, everyone’s “best-friend” and heaven sent from above. Don’t get me wrong, this mom is doing a REALLY good job of holding everything together. She takes charge during all school functions, arrives on time and perfectly presentable. She even has the figure to flaunt and the smile that radiates a room. Yet, deep inside she may have the pain of a failing marriage that no one is allowed to see because that would mean there is a “flaw” in her picture perfect life. People dismiss her because they feel unworthy and she’s gasping for air in an oxygen filled room.

Maybe, there’s also the mom who is strong and courageous. She has a marriage that is set on fire by a love anyone would kill for and living “the dream” of being a mom and fulfilling all the dreams her heart could ever fathom. She’s overcome life with a vengeance, but there’s something inside her that no one sees. She probably holds onto years of childhood pain from verbal abuse and tragedy that no one should endure. She sabotages the relationships in her life and is on a tail spin of worrying herself to death. She’s alone in a crowded room and wanting to scream, but smiles because it’s easier than telling the truth. She doesn’t need a friend because of course other moms see her as strong enough on her own.

Along with all this each and everyone one of these women have their children as their main priority. All they want to do is give the best for their kids, but don’t want to speak to someone else because judgement.

In the world, it’s judge or be judged. The cruelty of mankind has betrayed its own kind by the need of the world’s approval and it has warped our minds. It started on the school yard and the vicious cycle of Red Rover, Red Rover has continued into the mom world. We keep passing around who should be picked last when we should all be begging to pick one another first. 

I don’t have the perfect answer, but I know that I’m tired of the hiding. I’m tired of being blown off and I’m tired of passing by others who’s heads hang low their loss of hope in being seen.

First, we have to start by accepting each other as we are, the worst and best parts. Second, we have to believe that there is hope and that we can help one another in all circumstances. Lastly, we have to make a choice to speak up, reach out and hold onto one another for dear life. 

Motherhood should be a tribe that strengthens us instead of severing us. As mothers we share a bond that ties us together that we have become too accustomed to breaking. Motherhood should be beautiful and we need to pick up the pieces and create the masterPEACE God intended for us to find in Him through uniting.

Moms — we aren’t loving each other hard enough and our children will end up bearing that burden. Bear the burden of a fellow mom not just for their sanity, but the hope of unity in the futures of our children.

I’m NOT perfect!! I screw up, mess up and guess up, YES — guess up, just as much as any other mother. So, I guess what I’m saying is to find your tribe and love them hard.

I’ll keep trying. I hope you do, too.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

DEAR NON-MOM FRIENDS

If you are a mom I would bet that you can totally relate to what you are about to read and if you can’t relate, then, I’m a little jealous of you.

Dear Non-Mom Friends,

Let me start by saying this is not inclusive to ALL of my non-mom friends. I want to say that this is not a letter of excuses. Yes, it will seem that way because you’ve felt that I have been making excuses since the birth of my daughter. However, it’s not excuses, but a change in my priorities. It is actually a complete shift of life!!

I’m sorry I don’t return texts and calls pretty much EVER. In the beginning I was trying to navigate breast-feeding (which was a complete failure). I was trying to navigate being a mom, catching up on sleep (that two years later I have yet to do). I was learning how to take care of another human being, I was figuring out how to shower more than twice a week (on a good week). I was cleaning up diapers that the word explosion doesn’t even describe and attempting to remember me time (let’s be real I gave up on me when I became a mom). 

Around the time my daughter turned six-months-old I began receiving calls and texts of how I was a “bad” friend. I received messages on how I was a selfish person for not making time for others. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? I birthed a human!! My priority was my daughter and instead of being asked how I was doing I was getting lectures on how-to-be a good friend. 

Next.

Doctors tell you about postpartum depression, but they don’t prepare you for it. It’s hinted on in doctor’s appointments, but that’s about it. Postpartum depression is so much bigger than five minutes of conversation. It attacks when you feel things should be getting into a normal rhythm and develops as anxiety, too. I had postpartum depression kick in at about four months and my husband was the one to finally do something about it a few months later. I developed anxiety that escalated to fear of even walking out of the house to check the mailbox. Once, I didn't leave my house for TWO solid months and while the walls were closing in, the outside world seemed scarier.

Along with that I had separation anxiety from my child. Yes, I DEVELOPED SEPARATION ANXIETY FROM HER!! You can’t explain this fearful anxiety to anyone. All you know is that the paranoia comes and you even become afraid of leaving your child alone in a crib just to take a shower. I would cry in my doorway just watching her sleep from the weighing guilt of “leaving” her to take a shower!! 

Seems silly, right? 

Yeah — it’s not so silly when you’re in the middle of it.

It’s not so silly when friends and family are bashing you for your “selfish” attitude when all the while you’re just trying to navigate motherhood — among the other mounting stresses of this thing called life. However, NOT ONCE are moms that go through this asked, “How are you?” 

We get asked during all of our pregnancy, but when the real stress comes there is no one to be found. CUTE BABY!! GOOD LUCK!!

Fast forward to present day.

I know I’m skipping a lot of middle info, but that’s for another day. My separation anxiety is a million times better and everyday is less of a struggle to turn the car key and shift into drive. Listen, I’m not negative Nancy and truly am happy, but life gets even the best of us at times.

I’ve accepted that life will never be as it once was when it comes to friendships and even family ties. Some say I’m not a “normal” mom and the fact I’ve become a stay-at-home mom makes some people turn their noses towards me. 

I digress from here because that’s a topic for a later date. The fact of the matter is that when you become a mom life itself changes, COMPLETELY. It’s not just the cute addition of your child, but the mental stress of the how-to-dos, the hormonal changes that no amount of doctor’s appointments will ever fully fix or explain, the physical hang-ups of losing baby weight or even gaining more and every unknown that I myself am still trying to understand.

Non-mom friends, when your mom friends say that it’s not you it’s me — WE MEAN IT!! We know you don’t understand, but we want you to. At the same time we don’t want to hinder your life and all the memories you are making. Of course we still want to know about the advances of your careers and we want to be there for the big moments in your life. However, as moms, we also understand that seasons change and as we change, so do you.

A friend of mine, who is a mother of two children, once said,  “Honestly Katie, if Gracie would have been my first she would have been my last.” 

My daughter is strong-willed, smart, witty, intelligent, observant, discerning and only two months into being two-years-old. I love my daughter more than anything and would take a bullet for her. I also know that my daughter has the determination and strong-willed nature of, well, her mother.

Some of my best characteristics can at times be my worst and I see that in my child, too. We work together on our negatives and embrace our independent attitudes. You see, I may only have one child, but even a mom of two would rather the attitudes of her TWO over my ONE. Life is different, priorities are different, the dynamics are not the same and I embrace that every day.

So — as I said earlier this is to my non-mom friends (some not all) and I think of you often. Those I don’t see anymore, I miss you every day, but as life changes and we adapt I pray you’re adapting well. 

My number is the same if you ever need me. Please don’t be upset if I don’t answer right away.

Mom life is NOT my excuse, it is my reason and Gracie is the testimony of that.

Imperfectly Yours,
Katie

YOUR INSPIRING LOSS

Did it ever occur to you that maybe your trial is someone else's hope? 

Here's my thought: God already knows how strong you are and knows that you can endure the trials. God has entrusted YOU with the tough stuff because He knows YOU are capable of praising Him in the storm. (That's pretty amazing if you ask me -- for God to trust us with the enemy's worst for His best.) BUT maybe there's someone else that needs hope. They need that inspiration from YOU to see or hear of when you got knocked down and got back up. 

Maybe the loss and heartache you've endured is a needed example for someone else's life changing transformation.

I’ve made a blog post about my story before, but I’ve never quite embraced it from a visual or vocal interpretation. In order to help others we have to voice our struggles and how we choose to overcome.

Here I am — vulnerable & hopeful. 

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

TODDLER FITNESS

I feel like this video speaks for itself, but of course you know I have a story to add. 

I am a Matrix Fitness (MX4) instructor at Physique’s Elite in Lafayette, LA — owned by MX4 Master Trainer Khristie Gass. After teaching my daughter, 2 years and 2 months in this video, is always intrigued with the equipment in the Elite room. So, today, I CAUTIOUSLY allowed her to try out a few pieces of equipment. This video is her on the rower/erg and I must say I am very surprised at how well she did this. Yes, I know it is quite large compared to her — it’s an adult piece of equipment (why I was extremely cautious), but I must give credit where credit is due.

Children see all we do and the example we set is imperative to their future.

PARENTS: We are the influencers of the next generation. If your example is something you would not be proud of if you saw it in your child — maybe you need to start setting a new example.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

DRIVEN BY comPASSION

"How do athletes describe you as a coach?"

Our instructor asked us this as I sat in my RRCA training class a few weeks ago. However, I instantly found this a tad amusing because I have heard a number of lines that go a little like this:

"Katie is like a sour patch kid -- she seems nice and then turns slightly evil."

I laugh at this because the women that I train know that I am far from mean or evil -- I just like to give tough love when I train others. People do not pay me to let them slack off during a workout, otherwise they would be completely comfortable training themselves and not seeking the guidance of a coach or trainer.

Yet, I wrote down on my paper one word that I know is always used and that I strive to live by every single day. The word that is usually used to describe me is PASSIONATE and I can't deny the fact I am most certainly driven by PASSION.

So, why am I bringing this up?

Yesterday, my pastor preached on being a compassionate person. My pastor posted to Facebook a few weeks ago or so asking for feedback about this exact topic and here was my response:

One of my constant prayers: “Father God, break my heart for what breaks yours.” Through the answer I’m always filled with compassion and an unexplainable yearning to continuously strive to do more.

On a personal note, I have to prepare myself beforehand and PRAY because when God orchestrates how to show me that brokenness it is usually in the middle of the future MESS•age & TEST•imony to come.

By compassion I’m able to give grace and forgiveness to others. We could all use more of that.

More times than not compassion is found when you discover what breaks your heart. Sounds pretty counter-intuitive, but if you aren't moved to tears by your passion then maybe your not emotionally invested in what you are trying to achieve. If you are emotionally absent from your passion -- how can you walk in compassion? One of the characteristics of a compassionate person is that they inspire through passion.

That is what I try to do and that is what my goal is in life -- to inspire others through my passion.

I pray that PASSIONATE is always used when I'm described as a coach, trainer or anything else in this life. Even in the moments of tough love towards those I love and care for -- I am always driven by my PASSION for their betterment. PASSION is comPASSION and Christ was the purest form of PASSION.

Ask yourself this, do you like the words that come to mind when people describe the type of person you are? If not maybe it's time to reevaluate where you are right now in life and how you want to be remembered.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie