It’s time I cut the crap. You know, this whole raw and real
thing only works if you are RAW and REAL. So – this morning as I pull on my
running tights, put on the running shirt with hat to match and lace up my
running shoes…my brain is literally telling me I am the worst mother on the
face of the earth.
Is it self-pity? Self-remorse?
HECK NO! You see, tragic experiences as a parent leave a lasting impact.
Why?
BECAUSE PARENTING IS OVERWHELMING!!
Seeing your child struggle for air. Seeing your child
lifeless. Seeing your child helpless causes a parent to somewhere, deep down
inside, question themselves. WHAT? You want the happy go lucky stay strong
in every storm post? Well, to get to that point rough waters must be ridden
and “self-pity” must be overcome. Letting go of the worst mother label you put
on YOURSELF, must be dealt with.
Let me put your mind at ease because I am in no way ever
going to say I know what it is like to lose a child because I never have. I
have lost siblings and family members, but never have I ever fully lost my
daughter. Not even 4 months ago, I breathed life back into my daughter’s lungs.
I only wish and pray that every parent that had to give their child CPR had a
happy story at the end. My heart is burdened for those parents each day and I
will always remind my daughter how overwhelmingly blessed she is that she gets
to breathe in a new breath of life daily; as we are all so lucky that are
reading this.
But right now, in this moment as I clothe myself to go
outside and run I feel unworthy. When my daughter gets sick she goes all out.
She takes it as far as she can go before hitting that breaking point. Right now,
she has not one, but TWO strains of the flu virus coursing through her, a painful
urinary tract infection, pink eye and an ear infection in her left ear. God
bless my husband and his loving words, “Babe go run I will watch her. You need
to get away for just a little bit.”
My female mother brain: What?!?
You want me to leave and make it look as if I do not care about our daughter?
Why should I put myself first?!? She is sick and running isn’t going to help
her. Running will not take the pain away. Running will not heal her. Running
will not add years or quality to her life!!
Before my words are spoken my husband says, “You are an amazing mother and Gracie will
be here when you are done. Go do your fearless superwoman things.”
My husband.
My rock.
My clarity.
So yeah. My baby girl is extremely sick and I’m about to go
out for a long run. Not because I do not care. HEAVENS NO! It’s because I want
my baby girl to be fearless in all circumstances, especially the scary ones. That is the whole point of why I am running the Boston Marathon!! On
my long runs, I pray, A LOT. I pray about anything and everything I could
possibly fathom and today I’ll be praying and pleading God’s healing over my
daughter and every other child that is sick and every parent that prays for one
more moment with their little ones.
"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I promised you real and raw. I pray you hear my sincerity && the steadfast love I have for my daughter. In the overwhelming moments, she always gives me peace and a reason to be fearless.
Imperfectly Yours,
Katie