ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT

Tonight is one of those sleepless nights that I think only other mommas can relate to.

There might be a few dads out there that can relate, but it’s something about a momma’s sixth sense that kicks in on these nights.

Ever since our Gracie had her febrile seizure back in 2016, and I ended up having to perform CPR on her, we have never taken fevers lightly. So, this evening we ended up in urgent care because — HELLO — she had a fever that was spiking and NOTHING would bring it down.

When we left the house her fever was at 102.6° and by the time we got into our urgent care room her fever was at 102.4° — her fever being the only real indicator that something was clearly wrong. 

See, the only real first sign our girl is sick is when she gets super mommy clingy. I’m talking, “Mommy hold me,” for a solid 12 hours and then a fever will usually present itself. It’s pretty much been this way since her birth. However, going to the doctor because your child says, “Mommy hold me,” doesn’t really make a great case for him to work with.

Since she goes and goes all the time she doesn’t know how to pace herself when she’s not feeling well, her energy is the last thing to crash. Instead of resting and allowing her body to balance itself out, even after medicine is involved, we end up on this roller coaster of fevers breaking/spiking and energy/lethargic. So, when she plays the mommy card we know we’re hitting the “just make me better” mark.

Honestly, I have no idea what the post is all about. I’m having one of those nights after an evening at the doctor, getting prescriptions filled, being thrown up on (it’s true), bleh bleh bleh — it’s one of THOSE sleepless nights for this momma.

Maybe it’s from the seizure and CPR of 2016, but all I can do is watch her sleep. I kiss her sweet forehead every 10 minutes to check if the fever is spiking back up. I check her breathing to make sure she’s clearly surviving and I watch for her smile while she sleeps as affirmation of peaceful rest. Every few hours she is awoken by a cough, but I’m already comforting her as I put her back to sleep with a silent back scratch. 

Yeah — I’m sleepy. However, it won’t be like this forever. One day she won’t have me taking care of her and she will have her own children to take care of, but in this moment — she’s my baby girl.

She’s worth a million sleepless nights because Gracie Elizabeth is my tiny human miracle.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

A DESIRE FOR FAMILY

I don’t dream to live in a large mansion. My trials and life have given me a heart that yearns to always be humble. I want a tiny house filled with the huge hearts of my family. My daughter and husband are the two people that build me up when I’m at my lowest and strive to see me smile. My ambition is to be a disciple maker and in doing that I get to teach people how to treat their body as a beautiful temple. Health and fitness are not just a lifestyle, but an important factor in respecting the body God created just for you. 

Maybe I’m simple. Maybe I’m spiritual. Maybe I’m a health and fitness guru. No matter what I am perceived to be I am truly a child of God and that is all that matters — the ONLY mansion I desire is above in eternity.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted a family of my own. Yes, I have a family that I love without end. I love my father and mother far more than they will ever know. My desire to see them happy is out of this world and I know I don’t say it enough. However, my parents did divorce when I was very young. Since then I have yearned for a family of my own and prayed for a husband that I can relate to and connect with.

I say all of this with so much love and appreciation for parents that have to make the hard decision to separate. I know life happens and not all plans truly do pan out, but I pray everyday for the unconditional fervent love like Jesus has for His people. I pray everyday that I get to live that out.

I pray the example my husband and I set for our daughter is one that fulfills God’s ordained purpose. I pray that we see each other as the broken people we are, but find God’s masterPEACE through it all.

This is for the blended families just trying to make a way. Pray that God gives you that peace and comfort you need. God’s healing provides a stronghold that is beyond our control and I know God can work it all out for His greater good.

Keep persevering. Continue being faithful. His master plan will prevail and your family will reap the abundant rewards that our Father God has in store.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie 

DATE NIGHT CONVERSATIONS

Last Saturday night the husband and I went on a date. Nothing “fancy” because let’s be real — anytime this momma fixes her hair apart from church is considered FANCY. 

Any-who, I laughed and smiled more on that date than I think I have in years and I’ll tell you why. We were focused solely on each other!! We put technology away and made the choice to NOT be distracted. 

See, we played a game of questions. Some of the questions we asked each other were: what’s one thing you never had as a child, but wish you had? For me — absolutely a tree house. 

&& we asked...

Who is one person you would want to trade places with for one day? For him — he said me. 

I’m sharing this because I feel like many couples have lost how to keep conversations alive. I’m not saying ALL because I obviously do not know every situation. However, when you strive to keep that spark alive and ask the silly questions that once made you fall madly in love with your human — you’re trying.

Marriage is a choice that you have to make each day. We don’t have it all figured out and have our fair share of disagreements just like any other couple, but I never want us to give up trying. If this can give another couple a place to start a conversation in order to keep trying — there’s hope.

You don’t need “fancy” dates, fixed up hair, and a waiter to create a space or place for you and your spouse. Start at home and let your children see the example you set. Let them in on the love you share as husband and wife. There’s nothing like having a conversation with my husband and daughter. For her to see her father truly focused on her and her mother is EVERYTHING!!

Don’t just build on a firm foundation, but continually FORTIFY the relationship you build upon it.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie

ACHIEVING THE IMPOSSIBLE

I know our achievements mean absolutely nothing when our time ends. What will last is the perseverance and passion by which we chose to live our lives. However, I cried twice this morning because I won’t be running Boston tomorrow. 

Have you ever achieved a goal that seems unattainable to most people — even yourself? Running the Boston Marathon was my “IMPOSSIBLE” dream and last year I achieved it. Tomorrow is Marathon Monday and I can’t help to feel like I should be crossing the start line in Hopkinton and finishing on Boylston, again.

Once, shortly after I gave birth to my daughter, I contemplated NEVER running again. I thought that my role was to be a mom, end of story. If you combine a few months of utter seclusion and non-diagnosed postpartum depression it will make a new mom brain go crazy. See, if I disobeyed God’s purpose for a role I would NEVER show my daughter an example of life lived by passion.

Running was once my way to run away from tragedies; hardships I’ve faced, deaths of siblings and loved ones. A healthy habit quickly became an unhealthy coping mechanism. I had to realize that I could run all day, but my pain would still be there. 

Running became the parallel to persevering through life and overcoming the tragedies for one finish line — eternity. Who I influence or impact along the way is within the purpose, I believe, God created for me. My pain will always have a greater purpose.

My heart is running, but I’m having to remember that what I considered “IMPOSSIBLE” was achieved in me. This challenges me. I share my journey, the tragedies and the highlights, because I know I’m not the only one. God’s mercy and grace is the ONLY reason I’m capable of doing ANYTHING and HIS STRENGTH is the ONLY way I can PERSEVERE.

I’m still breathing. There is still life coursing through my veins. He’s NOT done with me!!

Dear God, I’m ready to continue chasing “IMPOSSIBLE” dreams for your kingdom purpose.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie 

AN EMPTY BOTTLE

Those photos you see, the first image is me at just 21-years-old and the other is today. Valentine’s Day I will turn 28-years-old and as I edge closer to 30 I look back on my early 20s.

Here’s the deal with my 20s — I lost hope. Rather than running the race before me, I lost my faith to life’s tragedies from the deaths of siblings & loved ones. I remember the morning I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the face staring back at me. At 21-years-old I had completely lost myself to living a wayward life.

“Friends” and even some family excused my rebellious behavior, mind you it was completely out of character. MANY TIMES, it was even condoned while others in my life walked out. I wasn’t me anymore.

Stay with me on this part, but have you ever woken up in a shower? How about fully clothed and NOT remember how you got there? Odd, I know.

It had never happened to me either, until the summer after I had turned 20-years-old.

I found myself in the predicament of being fully clothed and having a shower head on with cold water running over me. I use the word “found” because to this day I may never recall all the details of how I got there.

I didn't know how long I had been there or even who's home I was in.

The worst part -- I was so lost (at this point spiritually, physically and emotionally) that I found it comforting.

Walking into my friend's living room with mascara running down my face was not a photo-op moment for social media, praise God there’s not a picture of that sight for you to see. The most important part though, I was truly in a friend’s apartment.

Me: How did I get here?

Friend: That's a good question.

I felt as if I were looking at one of those televisions from the late 80's and early 90's, (one of those with the dial knobs that resembled a microwave compared to today's flat-screens) and the only thing coming through was the black-and-white static.

By the expression on my friend's face my hangover stupor was obvious. My memory of the events from the night before were becoming fuzzier by the second and the smell of my breath was a clear sign that alcohol was involved.

Unfortunately, no amount of antenna adjusting was fixing my clarity.

Friend: Katie, you drove here.

The bigger question was why did I let everything get to this point? Yet, I had now found a way to literally forget life itself by becoming black-out drunk.

The repercussions of this would be monumental, but at that point I didn't care. Blacking-out seemed better than reality. ANYTHING to take me away from the real world was #winning in my eyes.

The black-outs.

The drunken stupors.

The losses of memory.

All these self-destructive actions led to events that should have served as wake-up calls, but I was too lost in my own victim mentality to care. It wouldn't be until almost a year later when my darkest pain would occur. A pain that would cause every fiber of my body to regret all my self-destructive patterns.

The point is that I have a past.

You probably have a past, too.

We all have a past and if you find that you are around “friends” whom condone your outlandish behavior I desperately ask you do some deep self-reflection.

It’s not too late, your life IS worth saving!!

Do not be defined by your circumstances and DO NOT allow life’s tragedies to tear you down. Stand firm on a foundation built on promise and purpose because if you have oxygen in your lungs, then, you have a purpose to live out.

My friend, you are an overcomer. Believe me when I say you are worth more than an empty bottle.

You are courageous and I know the light is too dim to see right now, but by a mustard seed of faith ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!

Don’t give up!! I know life is hard, but when you have hope and keep persevering God will answer the prayers of what it is you NEED.

Have faith, it will make you well. Maybe not in your time, but at God’s perfect moment He will answer. You just HAVE to keep persevering and keep your trust in Him.

Imperfectly Yours,

Katie